It’s the lack of accountability for me.
This should have been two separate blog posts, but because the bottom line was the same for both these topics, I decided to make them one.
The purpose for this post is simply to tell you to stop blaming the outside world for your own misdoings, and to ask you to be answerable to yourself for your own actions.
Before you continue reading, I want to mention that I recently authored and self-published my debut poetry book (a compilation of 17 poems)! If you’re in Kenya, you can pre-order your physical copy HERE, & it will be delivered to you from 21st September. If you’re not in Kenya, not to worry, I have an E-book version coming out soon!
Have you ever had post-meal clarity? The feeling you get right after you finish a meal that makes you think, I really didn’t need a large fries, or, I could have just eaten the food I have at home, or, I really could have just ordered a one-piecer instead of three?
Well, the same can happen with sex. It’s the feeling you can sometimes get after you have sex with someone that makes you think, damn, I could have really spent my afternoon doing something else, or, I really could have gone without that orgasm. There are a number of articles out there that explain why you might feel sad or get into a mini-depression after sex. There’s even a name for it, Postcoital dysphoria.
Among the explanations I’ve heard, one that sticks out to me is the idea of ‘sex demons’ – the idea that the person you’re having sex with has given you ‘bad vibes’, or that their energy was off. I’m here to tell you, however, that sex demons are not real, or at least not in the way you think.
Sex is spiritual, granted, it’s an exchange of energy. As humans, we know that we absorb energy from the world and the people around us, and so it’s not a stretch to think that we would absorb energy from our sexual partners. However, the bad feeling you get is not a result of the person you had sex with giving you negative energy, that feeling is you coming to your senses! The bad/sad feeling you get after sex is you realizing that you shouldn’t have had sex with that person, for whatever reason. There are several reasons why you might experience a ‘low’ after sex, according to this insider article. For example, are you using sex as a way to escape reality? If so, then that might be a reason why you experience a mini depression when it’s over. How do you feel about your partner? Are you enjoying having sex with your partner? Are you using sex to get your partner to like you? etc.
Human nature preconditions us to find external reasons for what we feel inside. So, you blame your sexual partner for giving you ‘bad vibes’, when really, you just don’t want to take accountability for the fact that there’s an underlying personal issue.
It is important that we be responsible for your own contribution to your feelings. No one and nothing can make you feel bad without your permission – there’s always a subconscious reason why you feel the way you feel, even when you might not be aware of it.
So, the next time you have sex, and you experience a ‘low’ after it’s over, don’t be quick to blame your partner for giving you ‘bad energy’, instead, assess your emotions and understand why you might be feeling that way.
Also always remember to have safe sex!!
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Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. Peccatophobia is the fear of sinning, or imaginary crimes.
What I’m trying to say is, there are a lot of sensations and phenomena that we experience, that we can’t put into words. Surprisingly, there’s a word for almost anything. Likewise, there’s a word for what dating in Nairobi is like: entanglement (thanks Jada)!
For context, I’ve only experienced cisgender heteronormative relationships, and so I can not speak for what dating is like in Nairobi for my peers across the spectrum (but I would love to know what the experience is like. Blog post idea: LGBTQIA+ dating experiences in Nairobi?).
Dating in Nairobi can sometimes feel like participating in one big exchange program. Additionally, you have to deal with all the “mtaachana tu” and “it will end in tears” comments from the outside world. Our relationships are supposedly doomed even before they begin. All this negativity ends up having an effect on us, to the point that the perceptions we have about relationships are so skewed, that finding a partner becomes an extreme sport. We then end up blaming ‘Nairobi’ as being the cause of our failed relationships, but I have news for you – stop blaming the entire city for your failure to see red flags!
When your relationship in Nairobi goes south, your first instinct is to say, ‘well, that’s Nairobi’. Truth is, your significant other didn’t do you dirty because ‘Nairobi’, they did you dirty because that’s the type of person they are. Generalizing failed relationships as a ‘Nairobi’ problem is dangerous, because you’ll stop actually seeing people’s individualistic flaws. What then happens is that you start excusing unacceptable behaviour, because you think ‘that’s just how the Nairobi dating scene is like’, and you start picking up on terrible character traits because you assume that’s just what everyone does.
We can’t change the Nairobi dating scene if we all continue to think like this. There can’t be progress if we continue to normalize toxicity among our peers and in ourselves with regards to dating. It starts on an individualistic basis. Call yourself out when you do your romantic partners wrong, and call out the people around you when you see them do their partners wrong. That’s the only way we’re going to untangle this city.
The next time someone does you wrong, don’t say ‘that’s just how Nairobi is’, instead, address their individual flaws. Do the same with yourself. Let’s not burden the entire city with our lack of accountability.
As we begin this new week, all I want is for you to be answerable to yourself. Don’t look for external reasons for internal problems. We need to be more self-aware, and gain a deeper understanding of why we do the things we do, before blaming outside forces.
Be easy out there, and as a friend of mine likes to say, be kind to yourself.
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& remember, pre-order my debut poetry book in Kenya HERE. Thanks for reading!